There’s no simple answer to the question of why I go silent – both here and in my life. It just happens. And then – one day – I pass a threshold – I break through the lid that has slammed down on my mind – to see the sun once again. I’m cherishing this moment of hope because it will fuel my return the next time I’m in the hole.
Category Archives: Writing
The hiss that followed the sharp “pop” was unmistakable. Another tube punctured. Damn. I’m down to one spare. I’d better turn around and head home. That makes 5 in 5 days. I haven’t even worked up a sweat yet. Oh well. It figures.
I can feel my body going limp…giving in to wave after wave of psychic “why bothers” that are the Cylons attacking my psyche’s Battlestar Galactica. I am losing the battle today. Morale and ammo are low.
First thoughts upon waking (or trying to begin the day on a happy note):
Ug. What am I? Who am I? Where am I? What time is it?
My upstairs neighbors are awake – stepping on the creaky spots in their floor – on purpose! I just know it. Fuckers.
Negative thought #1.
Think about the odd taste in my mouth – stick my tongue out and grimace. Somehow this helps in assessing the taste. Check the under arms. Yep. I stink. I’m a loser.
Negative thought #2.
Set a goal to notice the good in my life. Just notice. That’s all.
Wind my body up like a spring – arms to one side – knees to the other – store some energy with an extra deep twist. Grunt 3 times and then let it unwind. I use my muscles to increase the angular momentum of my upper and lower torso as they switch places – like meaty cylinders in an engine of meat. I flop 1 inch closer to the edge of the bed. Sigh of disappointment. Repeat 5 times. Knock bag of chips on the floor. Swear. Stand upright. Think about evolution as I walk to the bathroom with head hanging low and knuckles dragging the floor. Grunt. Relief. I’ve performed this ritual 10,000 times before. Am I happier – any better off – more fulfilled? Why do I do this? Have I had a good life? Is it worth it? Is life worthwhile?
Negative thought #3.
Think about coffee.
Make cup of coffee (enjoy the process – feeling gratitude for the resources and number of people that helped bring this pile of dark beans into my possession).
Think about the beans growing on a tree…a shrub…picked by someone who grunted as they got out of bed. Wonder if they appreciate me or hate me for creating a demand for this bean.
I open the faucet and let the water out. Water connected in pipes underground that run for miles. I’m connected to everyone in this neighborhood through these pipes – everyone in the city – everyone in the region – ultimately – everyone in the world – hopping aquifers and oceans and sky along the way. Water connects everything. WATERNet.org. A more useful World Wide Web. No advertisers. I think about where the pipe ends. Somewhere – the pipe ends and it all turns to water. My mind follows the pipe to a deep, dark aquifer. I follow the water through earth and river and stream – to the mountains – to the snow. It’s beautiful – and cold. I watch a ledge of crystalline snow – an edge 2 inches from the ground – dripping liquid water. I think about state changes of matter and then scream at myself to shut the hell up. Don’t try to understand this – just watch it. Be here. Experience it. Well…the physics is cool too…fucker who thinks they have it all figured out. You shut the hell up.
Negative thought #4.
I grind up this bean using a machine that requires electricity. The electricity is produced how? Wind? Burning biomass? Water? Interesting. Water flows through the pipes and also generates the electricity – or part of it anyway. I think about the water that allowed the coffee to grow – that was used to float the ships that brought the beans here. I bought this machine 20 years ago. I think about that. It impresses me. Not that the grinder still works – but that I still have it. I’ve moved a lot.
I dump the brown dust into an unbleached paper filter fitted into a piece of molded plastic. I think about other brewing methods I’ve used over the years. This one suites me. It’s good enough.
I pour clear, hot water on the brown dust. Brown steaming water results. Brown. I sip little bits into my mouth with a grimace. My tongue moves instinctively to channel the unnatural heat. I swallow the pain and the satisfaction. This is what I do. This is what I have always done.
Negative thought #5.
My thoughts are brown and my mouth is hot with brown.