I received a letter from my daughter today. She is hiking the Pacific Crest Trail, as I’m sure I’ve mentioned before in a previous entry. Her letter was written on Aug 16th (on the trail) and mailed from Portland Oregon on Aug 23rd. We are working through some emotional things that have been building between the 2 of us over the past 5 years. Unmet expectations of a father-daughter relationship that once seemed much stronger and much deeper. We just haven’t spent enough time together, enjoying each others’ company and talking about what really matters.
I talked to my oldest son yesterday, after receiving an email photo of himself and his fiancé proudly wearing medals received upon finishing the Santa Rosa half-marathon they ran on Sunday. His fiancé is new to running, but they have been training together for months, and they finished in a very impressive time. They are planning to be wed next summer in Maine, where our families spent time together when they were both toddlers. What a great story. They met as 2 years olds (more or less), and now they are getting married. Time and distance couldn’t keep them apart.
I called my youngest son tonight, 2 days after his 1st wedding anniversary, to catch up. He sounded very happy. He’s very busy, but he “feels” extremely content to me; he and his family of 4, plus dog Libby. I haven’t spent nearly enough time with him, nor with his wife and my granddaughter, over these past several years. I plan to remedy that.
I am feeling my children very deeply tonight. I am so in love with them, and I am so fortunate to know them. They are good people. Every one of them.
I was planning to write something profound (yeah right) and to work through these feelings and to say something that I could be proud of – something I could tell all my kids to read – something that would explain all and reveal all. The old man finally speaks his mind. But instead, I am going to keep this to myself. At least for now. What I am feeling is too big and too complicated to write about here. It may be too big to write about at all.
At the core of it all is this:
I love you more than you will ever know.
I need to tell you this more often.
Don’t give up on me. I’m just slow and we need to talk more!
Your old man is a decent guy who has a hard time expressing himself in matters of the heart.
I’m working on it. I’ll always be working on it.